Saturday, February 20, 2010

Confession: Poem from a Spec of Dust

It isn't that I don't love you;
It isn't that I don't care.
It's because I'm in this wilderness
and the boundaries become unclear.

"Search for the path my sweet one.
Hunger so deep for the light
As the blood moon sketches its shadows
in the deliberate, solemn night."

Send angles to beseech me, God;
Send angels to sing a song!
Press close to my heart, dear Lord
and keep me from all wrong.

"Hoard my love, my love
Gather it up like a comfort,
Dance in my mercy, dear one
and feel your precious worth!

It is because I love you!
It is because I care!
The wilderness can not keep you;
In my blood you are spared!"

Your love does not relent, my King
It conquers and sets me free!
You pursue with jealous fire,
burning the impurity from me!

"...make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word..." Ephesians 5:26

Confession:  I am not a poet. Yet, this was in my heart today. So, for what it's worth I will share it and hope it reaches you. I struggle like so many with my heart, my thoughts, and my flesh. The enemy knows my weaknesses. And the Lord knows them, too. I remember a time when I was still lost and a women gave a word in a church I was visiting. It changed my life and I recall it often.

That morning I had cried the entire drive across town begging God to show me he was still there. I had lost track of him somewhere in my childhood and no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't feel him anymore. Despondent, I prayed for him to come find me. I needed him to tell me I was okay; that it was all going to be okay. I needed my daddy to come pick me up from the mud and clean me off.  I was alone and in fear that he wouldn't want me anymore. I was in fear that, like so many had before, he figured out I wasn't worth loving - worth protecting - and should be tossed aside. I walked into that church thinking if I don't leave with something from God I will know what others had said was true. So, I took a deep breath and sat down in the back row with tears still streaming down my face.

That morning, a woman stood up in this church and stopped the pastor from moving on with the service. She told him she had a message for someone. She said something was burning in her spirit and she just couldn't let him go on without sharing it. He gave her the mic, she turned to the congregation and said: I know who you are. I know where you've been. I know where you are going. And I made you anyway. I made you anyway! You are my child and I love you!

From the depths of my being I sobbed. I knew that message was for me. God knew who I was!  He knew my sins. He knew I was just dust but he loved me anyway. He still does! I ache for the Lord. Yet, still - even still - I make wrong choices and compromise my heart. Yet, still - even still - the Lord brings be back to the cross and forgives me all over again.

I can not wait until we are with him and it is just us- just the Bride and Bridegroom. There are times when that desire is so strong I can't think of anything else. In my mind's eye I see myself resting my head against the Lord. I feel his heartbeat on my cheek. Tears come so easily and I ask, "When? When will it be just this?" He answers, "Soon." For this short period we are lovers torn apart. Time has not yet weaved us back together.  But it will.  "Soon." 

Until then, I will be love sick, taking the moments I can with the Lord in worship and the word. But I will always be aching for that day when I can rest my head on him and let the struggles of this world pass into the abyss. For he is my one true love...

1 comment:

  1. When God looks down upon you friend, surely He smiles and swells with pride!